The Greatest Conspiracy of them All

Millions of people just living out their life, quietly, humbly, never standing up for themselves, never taking their fair share because eventually it’s all going to work out in the end. A perfect blissfully ignorant flock of sheep. Jesus even had the balls to call them that.


Recently Glenn Beck conspiracy theorist extraordinaire and general degenerate fucktard has decided to start offering classes to recent high school graduates to teach them an alternate version of reality. One in which this country was not founded on enlightenment principles, but in which it was founded on fundamentalist christian principles.  One where the founding fathers already knew about the theory of evolution and rejected it out right. This despite the fact that Darwin didn’t even publish his theory on Evolution until over fifty years after any of the founding fathers were even still alive.

This is of course complete and total nonsense. But I feel bad for Glenn, so I thought I’d try and clue him in on another conspiracy theory that actually is true. In fact, it’s not just any conspiracy theory, it’s the single greatest conspiracy in the history of the human race.

When I was a kid my mom used to say to me: “Ian, go clean your room.” To which I would always reply, “In a bit mom, after I’m done doing…” whatever I was doing at the moment that was more fun.  You see I knew that my mom would eventually forget about it, and I would get away with not having to clean my room. But my mom also knew that I wasn’t going to go clean my room later, and she knew she was going to forget about it. So the next words out of her mouth were always the same…. “Ian, you know Santa’s watching you?”

Now a bit a of a spoiler alert here in case Glenn is actually reading this because I just realized I may be about to clue him in on the second greatest conspiracy theory of all time too. Glenn, just in case, you might want to sit down…..

Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Take a moment to process that Glenn, and then feel free to keep reading.

Ready?…. Okay, my mom told me a lie. She knew full well that Santa Claus didn’t exist, but she told me he did anyway.  She told me he existed because she was hoping that if she could convince me that there was a magical being watching over everything I did at all times, and who would punish me or reward me based upon how well I listened to her she could get me to be a good boy and do what she said even when she herself wasn’t watching me.

Kind of mean when you think about it, but also a pretty good way to keep control over someone when you know full well you can’t watch their every move. But to her lying was okay in certain situations when she thought it was in my own best interest. Now you could argue that cleaning my room was something she seemed to want more than I did so it wasn’t really in my own best interest, but that’s not really what she was protecting me from.

You see my mom knew of another magical being that was watching over everything I did at all times, and who would punish me or reward me based upon how well I listened to it. And one of the things that being said is that we’re supposed to honor our father and mother.  So if I didn’t listen to my mom there could be hell to pay…..literally.

The good news however is that my mom didn’t really have to worry, because just like the magical being that she knew didn’t exist the one she thought existed didn’t actually exist either. They were both lies even if she didn’t realize it.

Which brings us to the greatest conspiracy in all of human history that is actually completely 100% true. God doesn’t actually exist. He was invented by men in ancient times for the exact same reason Santa Claus was….Control.

You see back in ancient times they didn’t have CSI.  If you committed a crime you were almost certain to get away with it. In fact even in modern days only about 51% of all homicides in the United States of America get solved. So you can imagine how hard it was for the authorities to catch the bad guys way back in those days when they didn’t have security cameras, finger printing, and DNA testing.

Thankfully for them they woke up one day and realized maybe they didn’t have to. It was already common place for people to attribute strange phenomenon that they couldn’t explain to magical beings they called gods. Why not just manipulate the stories a little bit to convince younger generations that those gods gave us the rules, and there was no way to escape being seen by him from above?

The only difference between God and Santa is that nobody tells you God doesn’t exist when you get older, and they make it a lot more difficult to figure it out on your own. Why wouldn’t they? Adults behave badly too. If you can keep them under control with a simple lie why not keep it going? That way when their kids grow up and become adults they’ll be able to use it on their children too, and they’ll have much more plausible deniability.

Every major religion throughout history has some version of this same concept.  The Greeks had Zeus watching over them from upon high from Mount Olympus which worked great until somebody climbed up there and realized it was bullshit. Then things shifted toward the Argus the beast of a 1000 eyes that saw everything you did and read your sins back to you when you died. Buddhists and Hindus have the concept of Karma which magically balances things out so that if you live a humble and modest life you will be rewarded for it in the next.  Whereas if you do evil it will be come back around to you eventually.

What better way to keep people happy with less? What better way to keep the masses of poor people from rising up against the wealthy and upper class than to convince them that the meek shall inherit the earth?  Millions of people just living out their life, quietly, humbly, never standing up for themselves, never taking their fair share because eventually it’s all going to work out in the end.  A perfect blissfully ignorant flock of sheep. Jesus even had the balls to call them that.

So there you have it Glenn. If you want to wake up the world to reality and help them see the truth you can do it.  Open the worlds eyes to the greatest conspiracy in all of human existence. Then they can finally be as truly enlightened as our founding fathers were.

Trump/Manning 2016

…letting a businessman fix the economy because he’s done well in it would be like letting a rat fix a maze just because he found his way out of it.

trumpmanningSo you think the Economy sucks, and we need someone who knows a thing or two about business to get it back in the right direction huh?  Well I have some bad news for you.  You are actually the single biggest problem that we have with the economy.  I’m sorry.  I really do hate to burst your bubble(no pun intended), but it’s voters just like yourself that continue to screw over your own economy time and time again.

The belief that Businessmen know anything special about the economy is the single most successful lie that has ever been purported onto the voters of this planet. It’s understandable why people believe it.  Successful business men have managed to navigate the economy quite well.  Clearly they’ve done better than you so you assume they know something you don’t about it.  Well they might, but it’s not what you think, and it’s not going to help the economy.

In reality letting a businessman fix the economy because he’s done well in it would be like letting a rat fix a maze just because he found his way out of it.  All you’re doing is giving him the ability to construct a hidden route only he knows to insure him and his friends can get through it easily.  The rat has no motivation to help any other random rats get to the end of the maze, particularly not rats that he’s competing with for cheese.

Or maybe a more relatable analogy…what would happen if you let Peyton Manning modify the rules of football?  You may think to yourself, “he’s one of the greatest football players of all time right?  So then he must know something about the game, and how to make it better.”  The problem of course is that Peyton Manning is a quarterback, and the things he tends to find “wrong” with the game are not things that are necessarily problems with the game.  They are simply things that as a quarterback made him frustrated. Things that made his job harder. Things like having all those ridiculously tall defenders in the way of him completing a pass, or having defensive linemen trying to tackle him while he’s trying to throw the football.

These are not problems with the game, they are problems for quarterbacks and fixing them does not improve the game it just makes it easier on quarterbacks.  But quarterbacks like businessmen are just one player on their respective fields, and while you might think that quarterbacks like businessmen are also the most important players on the field you’d again be mostly wrong.  Quarterbacks like businessmen are important, but the reason they have become so important is because the rules of the game have been changed to benefit them.

Rules preventing defensive players from making any contact with receivers at all have turned the game into a pass heavy league. This intern creates the necessity of having a really good quarterback, and paying that quarterback a lot of money.  What is worse is that because the value of quarterbacks has gone up, we now feel the need to add even more rules to protect them. It started with simple things like ruffing the passer, then allowing quarterbacks to intentionally ground the ball outside the tackles.

Over time these additional rules have made Quarterbacks like Peyton Manning so essential to their teams success that they are now “too big to fail.” We now feel the need to put rules in place making it practically illegal to hit them at all.  There’s no reason the game has to be this way it’s just the way that the game has evolved as more rules have been put in place to primarily benefit one position on the field.

The same is true about businesses.  They are just one piece of the economy, and in a well designed economy they’re not actually a very important piece at all.  The problem is that over time we’ve put more and more rules in place to try and help out businesses allowing individual businesses to grow so massive that they now control enormous sections of the economy.  This intern makes them more important as a failure of any one massive business like GM, Citibank, Walmart or McDonald’s causes thousands of people to lose their jobs.  It also gives them so much bargaining power that they can force the workers they do have to accept wages that border on slavery.

This does not benefit the economy any more than removing defensive players would benefit the game of football.  It just makes the game so easy on players like Manning and Trump that they’re barely even required to try any more.  The competition is removed not improved.

Does this mean that a businessman can’t make a good president?  No, not necessarily. Just like Peyton Manning could conceivably make a good NFL commissioner if he can forgo his personal bias towards his old position a businessman could conceivably build a strong economy if he can check his ego at the door and realize that businessman like himself are not the most important part of it.  But when you’re talking about someone like Donald Trump expecting him to check his ego would be like expecting Manning to play running back.  It’s not going to happen.