I like Miller Lite

One of the biggest questions that plagues liberals across America is, “Why do working class white people constantly vote against their own economic interests?” Well Liberal America, today I have your answer; it’s your own damn fault, and you did it again.

Over the weekend Republican Governor of Wisconsin Scott Walker took to social media to post some pictures of he and his family grilling out, and a bunch of liberal elitist snobs decided to take it upon themselves to insure that Democrats will never win the state of Wisconsin ever again.

It started with a bunch of food snobs criticizing the way he was cooking his kebabs. Walker replied with an offer to buy them a beer, and predictably these “brilliant” well educated liberals with their superior taste lambasted him for choosing Miller Lite.

Now Miller Lite is certainly not my beer of choice, but it is the beer of choice of thousands of blue collar working class Wisconsinites who don’t vote Democrat specifically because of stupid shit like this. Arguments over what type of economic policy can best create jobs and improve the lives of the middle class can be difficult to understand even for those who are relatively well educated. But when some fancy east coast asshole talks down to you like a moron and treats you like shit because you just happen to think your favorite beer is both “less filling,” and “tastes great,” it’s really easy to figure out who’s side of that argument you should be on.

White middle class voters hate you because they think you hate them. They think you look down upon them as a bunch of simpleton dunderheads who can barely tie their shoes, and have no idea how to appreciate good beer. Well this weekend a bunch of left wing snobs proved them right.

Just take a look at the headline for this Huffington Post article. “Scott Walker angers beer lovers.” Really?!?! Contrary to what hipsters across America might like to think Miller Lite is a beer, and the people of Wisconsin love it. In fact they love their beer so much they drink about ten times more of it than any New York liberal sitting around trying to choke down whatever ass tasting IPA rolled off the line of some “brand new brewery you totally have to try.”

It’s bad enough that blue collar whites don’t believe you share the same culture as them, but shit like this proves that you not only don’t relate to them, but you in fact hate their culture; which is why they’re so scared you’re going to take it away from them. While you and your elitist beer snob friends are laughing at Scott Walker and his Neanderthal taste in beer, he’s laughing at the fact that you just gave him all the ammunition he needs to make sure Trump wins Wisconsin in 2020.

This is the sad reality of Richard Nixon’s southern strategy that has been used by Republicans for over 40 years to get middle class whites to vote against their own interests. Republicans understand that the average American has no fucking clue how to create jobs, or fix health care, or limit income inequality. They can tell voters whatever they want, and it will not matter at all so long as the voters believe that they are one of them.

That’s how tribalism works. If you want to convince a tribe to make you their leader the first thing you have to convince them is that you’re a part of their tribe, and you think it’s a really really great tribe. But despite the fact that Republicans nominated this guy for President…

Liberals still managed to come across sounding even more pompous and less relatable than him. People don’t like being told they’re stupid. I guarantee you that every single solitary person in Wisconsin who thinks that Miller Lite is “piss water” voted for Hillary Clinton, but it still wasn’t enough to win the state.

That’s why it doesn’t matter how horrible of a Governor Scott Walker is. It doesn’t matter that he’s trashing the states economy. Liberals lose because they fail to understand the fundamental reality that the average voter in this country votes for the candidate they’d most like to have a beer with.  Well if you can’t convince a Packer fan to sit down and have a beer with you then there is no hope they’ll ever put you in the White House.

 

 

 

 

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The Greatest Conspiracy of them All

Millions of people just living out their life, quietly, humbly, never standing up for themselves, never taking their fair share because eventually it’s all going to work out in the end. A perfect blissfully ignorant flock of sheep. Jesus even had the balls to call them that.

Recently Glenn Beck conspiracy theorist extraordinaire and general degenerate fucktard has decided to start offering classes to recent high school graduates to teach them an alternate version of reality. One in which this country was not founded on enlightenment principles, but in which it was founded on fundamentalist christian principles.  One where the founding fathers already knew about the theory of evolution and rejected it out right. This despite the fact that Darwin didn’t even publish his theory on Evolution until over fifty years after any of the founding fathers were even still alive.

This is of course complete and total nonsense. But I feel bad for Glenn, so I thought I’d try and clue him in on another conspiracy theory that actually is true. In fact, it’s not just any conspiracy theory, it’s the single greatest conspiracy in the history of the human race.

When I was a kid my mom used to say to me: “Ian, go clean your room.” To which I would always reply, “In a bit mom, after I’m done doing…” whatever I was doing at the moment that was more fun.  You see I knew that my mom would eventually forget about it, and I would get away with not having to clean my room. But my mom also knew that I wasn’t going to go clean my room later, and she knew she was going to forget about it. So the next words out of her mouth were always the same…. “Ian, you know Santa’s watching you?”

Now a bit a of a spoiler alert here in case Glenn is actually reading this because I just realized I may be about to clue him in on the second greatest conspiracy theory of all time too. Glenn, just in case, you might want to sit down…..

Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Take a moment to process that Glenn, and then feel free to keep reading.

Ready?…. Okay, my mom told me a lie. She knew full well that Santa Claus didn’t exist, but she told me he did anyway.  She told me he existed because she was hoping that if she could convince me that there was a magical being watching over everything I did at all times, and who would punish me or reward me based upon how well I listened to her she could get me to be a good boy and do what she said even when she herself wasn’t watching me.

Kind of mean when you think about it, but also a pretty good way to keep control over someone when you know full well you can’t watch their every move. But to her lying was okay in certain situations when she thought it was in my own best interest. Now you could argue that cleaning my room was something she seemed to want more than I did so it wasn’t really in my own best interest, but that’s not really what she was protecting me from.

You see my mom knew of another magical being that was watching over everything I did at all times, and who would punish me or reward me based upon how well I listened to it. And one of the things that being said is that we’re supposed to honor our father and mother.  So if I didn’t listen to my mom there could be hell to pay…..literally.

The good news however is that my mom didn’t really have to worry, because just like the magical being that she knew didn’t exist the one she thought existed didn’t actually exist either. They were both lies even if she didn’t realize it.

Which brings us to the greatest conspiracy in all of human history that is actually completely 100% true. God doesn’t actually exist. He was invented by men in ancient times for the exact same reason Santa Claus was….Control.

You see back in ancient times they didn’t have CSI.  If you committed a crime you were almost certain to get away with it. In fact even in modern days only about 51% of all homicides in the United States of America get solved. So you can imagine how hard it was for the authorities to catch the bad guys way back in those days when they didn’t have security cameras, finger printing, and DNA testing.

Thankfully for them they woke up one day and realized maybe they didn’t have to. It was already common place for people to attribute strange phenomenon that they couldn’t explain to magical beings they called gods. Why not just manipulate the stories a little bit to convince younger generations that those gods gave us the rules, and there was no way to escape being seen by him from above?

The only difference between God and Santa is that nobody tells you God doesn’t exist when you get older, and they make it a lot more difficult to figure it out on your own. Why wouldn’t they? Adults behave badly too. If you can keep them under control with a simple lie why not keep it going? That way when their kids grow up and become adults they’ll be able to use it on their children too, and they’ll have much more plausible deniability.

Every major religion throughout history has some version of this same concept.  The Greeks had Zeus watching over them from upon high from Mount Olympus which worked great until somebody climbed up there and realized it was bullshit. Then things shifted toward the Argus the beast of a 1000 eyes that saw everything you did and read your sins back to you when you died. Buddhists and Hindus have the concept of Karma which magically balances things out so that if you live a humble and modest life you will be rewarded for it in the next.  Whereas if you do evil it will be come back around to you eventually.

What better way to keep people happy with less? What better way to keep the masses of poor people from rising up against the wealthy and upper class than to convince them that the meek shall inherit the earth?  Millions of people just living out their life, quietly, humbly, never standing up for themselves, never taking their fair share because eventually it’s all going to work out in the end.  A perfect blissfully ignorant flock of sheep. Jesus even had the balls to call them that.

So there you have it Glenn. If you want to wake up the world to reality and help them see the truth you can do it.  Open the worlds eyes to the greatest conspiracy in all of human existence. Then they can finally be as truly enlightened as our founding fathers were.

So You Say You’d Never Have an Abortion?

Roe vs Wade isn’t simply about protecting a woman’s right to have an abortion. That’s a side effect of the law, but the point of the law is to protect the rights of all women

One of the sadder things I’ve heard a lot ever since the Women’s March on Washington is a lot of women who seem to think that all these women who are protesting for abortion rights are somehow disturbed murderers for even considering the possibility of killing an innocent child. They claim that if a woman doesn’t want to get pregnant then she should have thoughgty-womens-march-washington-4-jt-170121_12x5_1600t about it before she had sex in the first place. They claim that the difficulties of pregnancy are a small price to pay to save the life of a child. They say that they themselves would never think of doing such a horrible thing, and that’s not a right they would ever even want.

Well I have some bad news for those women. That doesn’t matter, and that’s not what Roe vs Wade is all about. Roe vs Wade isn’t simply about protecting a woman’s right to have an abortion. That’s a side effect of the law, but the point of the law is to protect the rights of all women from unwarranted searches and seizures, as well as to protect the basic privacy of any woman during one of the most important times in her life.

One third of all pregnancies in the United States of America end in a miscarriage. Often times this happens before the mother even realizes she is pregnant. It can be a horribly tragic and traumatic feeling to look down into the toilet to see a bloody shape of the fetus you didn’t even realize was there. This is particularly tragic for those who fully believe that life begins at conception. The realization that this potential life form was growing inside of you and you hadn’t even realized it can be heartbreaking. The thought of all the things you might have done recently that could have caused this. What did you eat?  What did you drink? This event can be traumatic enough as it is, but without Roe vs Wade it’s just getting started. Without Roe vs Wade you can’t simply flush the toilet and go to bed crying. Without Roe vs Wade you now have to call the police.

You don’t have time to mourn the death of your child, because you are now the prime suspect in a murder investigation, and your vagina is the crime scene. I can see the CBS procedural drama now. They can call it “CSI: Uterus.” Maybe you aren’t worried about Trump grabbing your pussy all that much, but if you have a miscarriage the police are going to have to. The horrible tragedy that just happened to you now gives authorities probably cause to search your body for clues to this potential crime.  Your body is now a literal body of evidence, and if they find something they don’t like you’re going to be telling them the same story they’ve heard a thousand times from other women who claimed they didn’t know they were pregnant.

The truth is that women generally know they are pregnant before anybody else does, and if you’re the type of woman that would want to have an abortion there’s about a thousand ways to do it discreetly without going to a doctor or an abortion clinic. Chug a bunch of liquor, “fall down some stairs,” take a normally innocuous drug with just the right side effects. If anybody finds out the claim that “they didn’t know they were pregnant” will be the first words out of their mouth.

So what do we do?  If authorities believe this statement all the time then what good did banning abortion accomplish? Any woman who wants one can still have one and get away with it scot-free. Either we run the risk of convicting innocent women of murder because we don’t believe them, or we run the risk of letting actual murderers go free because we do believe them. Do you trust Trump to make the right decision about your pussy?

But wait…there’s more. Let’s say you’re a young woman who isn’t sure if she wants to keep the child or not. Or let’s say you’re a woman who’s had a miscarriage before and wants to keep your pregnancy on the downlow hoping that if it happens again you can avoid any police entanglements. The first thing a woman should do upon realizing she might be pregnant is go to the doctor and confirm it. Without Roe vs Wade however this becomes a problem. Once the doctor knows you’re pregnant they are now required to notify authorities of your situation so that if a baby never materializes they can start asking you “why?”

Not only does this have the effect of delaying many women’s trip to their doctors, but once the word is out the pressure is now on. You now have to spend the next eight months or so with the stress of the police breathing down your neck on top of all the other stresses that come along with carrying a child. You now know that if you fail to produce a child not only will you suffer the tragedy of losing your baby, but there’s a chance you may end up in prison. Any complications in your pregnancy and it is no longer a private tragedy, it’s can become a part of the public record for all to see.

Now some might try and say that a ban on abortion wouldn’t result in punishment for the woman.  Even though Trump literally said that it should and numerous pro-life extremists fully agreed with him he later attempted to walk it back after someone who realized how unpopular that idea was explained it to him.  But if that’s all true, then what exactly is the point? How exactly do you expect to have any measurable effect on reducing abortion if there are no consequences for women who have them? Republicans say the laws will only affect abortion providers, but all that accomplishes is to make women who want an abortion to look for less safe alternatives; the black market, unsafe drugs, letting your boyfriend hit you in the stomach with a baseball bat(yes that happens)…

We have accomplished nothing in terms of actually restricting or reducing abortion in any way shape or form.  All that we have done is radically invade upon the rights of millions of women most of whom are completely innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever.

All of this is a reality that faces a world without Roe vs Wade and we still haven’t gotten into thinking about what happens when Republicans start to claim women are lying about rape in order to get abortions.

So please. Even if you truly believe that life begins at conception, and that abortion is murder take the time to realize what these women are truly fighting for. Most of the women who marched on Washington either already are or some day hope to be loving mothers who have absolutely no intention of ever getting pregnant before marriage or having an abortion even if they do.

These women are not simply fighting for the right to have an abortion. These women simply know their history. They understand that a world without Roe vs Wade is not a world we ever want to go back to. America was not great in those days and if it is repealed it certainly won’t be great in the future.

Changing The Way You Think About Debt.

The U.S. Dollar has value because we say it does, and if you don’t like it then you can go fuck yourself.

Debt sucks! Believe me if there’s anybody that understands that it’s me. I’ve been paying off student loans for over a decade, and I’m still about four years from being free of them. DollarNot to mention the fact that because I’ve been contributing so much of my monthly earnings towards them that it’s really difficult to save any money for other things I need. The result? Credit card debt, and a car loan which is even worse.

Millions of Americans have similar problems.  In fact most people are likely significantly worse off than I am.  I graduated right before the financial collapse and I was lucky enough to get my foot in the door of a solid company that didn’t lay anybody off during the crash. It’s not surprising then that so many people are very concerned about the national debt this election year.  We fear that America is in the same position with China that you are with your bank.  But here is the reality that you need to understand….

China isn’t the bank…….we are.

When you go to your bank and open up a checking account or a savings account your bank is voluntarily taking on debt from you.  It owes you that money back with interest. Granted it’s a very small amount of interest.  If it’s a checking account it’s almost certainly less than 1%. If it’s a savings account it’s almost certainly less than 2% particularly with interest rates set so low.  Is your bank worried? Is your bank fretting about the fact that it’s living paycheck to paycheck?  Seems crazy to think about that, but when you deposit your paycheck you almost immediately turn around and spend it all in a week’s time. From the perspective of your bank almost every dime that comes in just goes right back out.

But no, your bank isn’t worried.  Your bank is happy to take on as much debt from you as you’d like to give it. In your bank’s mind the debt it has is actually an asset that it wants more of.  The reason is because while your bank owes you a ridiculously low interest rate on that debt it turns around and invests that money in other things that pay a much higher interest rate.  It buys stocks, bonds, and it loans that money back out to people to buy homes, cars, and it gives people credit cards.  So long as the interest they are getting returned to them on those things is higher than the interest they owe back to you they win.  They actually make money off of their debt.

The same thing believe it or not is actually true about America.  America is just about the safest investment on the planet.  Even with Republicans threatening to default, America still has the highest credit rating credit rating agencies give out.  People are more than happy to lend us money because they have confidence that they will get it back with interest.  The key is how much interest?

When many people including some very ignorant politicians talk about the deficit they make statements about how we’re putting things on “the credit card” and forcing future generations to pay it back.  That analogy is very very poor to say the least.  A credit card will almost assuredly charge you double digit interest rates of usually more than 13%. That’s why they’re so dangerous because they can be very difficult to pay off.  With the national debt however the interest that America owes back is usually a little more than 2% which is similar to what your bank owes you on your savings account.  Meanwhile the US economy has historically grown at a rate of closer to 4%, almost double what we’re paying back out. Even today with all the financial issues we’ve had over the last decade we are projected to grow at closer to 3%.

When we take on debt we’re essentially letting China and others open up savings accounts with us.  We are then turning around and investing that money in our country.  So long as our GDP continues to grow at a higher rate than the interest we owe back, we are actually making money on that investment.  Our debt can actually be thought of as an asset in the same way that a bank would.

Now this is not to say that deficits don’t matter.  Obviously owing a little over 2% while projecting only about 3% growth isn’t giving us a huge margin for error. I’m not suggesting we just run soaring deficits all day long by any means, but it’s important to realize that the national debt is very very different from your own personal debt.  People hear words like Billions and Trillions and they think about those massive numbers that America owes and they try and rationalize it by thinking about their car payment or their credit cards.  That national debt is more like buying a house, it’s usually a pretty decent investment.  So long as the value of your home increases at better than or close to the same interest rate you’re paying on your mortgage you’re actually coming out ahead so long as you can afford your payment.

Now some people will say okay, but what about Greece?  What about Puerto Rico?  Look what happened to them when they got into too much debt.  Comparing them with America is absolutely ridiculous for a number of reasons, but one that is very important.  Greece and Puerto Rico don’t control their own money.  Greece is on the Euro, and Puerto Rico is on the U.S. Dollar.  When they get into too much debt Greece is at the mercy of the rest of Europe to print them more Euro’s to pay it off, and Puerto Rico has to beg America for help(which we should probably give them by the way).

America on the other hand can literally print enough money to pay off our debt.  It could be gone tomorrow if we wished to do it. In fact during the recession that’s exactly what we were doing. Now there are potential downsides to doing that, but realistically we aren’t seeing any of them.  In theory if you print too much then it’s possible that each one becomes less valuable and you have massive inflation on your hands.  That’s not happening though because the reality is we’re America and people want our money. They’ll happily take as many dollars as we’re willing to give them for the foreseeable future.

Now you’re probably thinking, “wait, wait, wait, wait…..you can’t just create money, that sounds like a Ponzi scheme.  Isn’t that what Enron and Bernie Madoff tried to do?” Well it sort of is except Enron and Madoff weren’t creating Enron Dollars and Madoff dollars. They were trying to create U.S. Dollars and they’re not allowed to do that because those dollars belong to America.  Only America gets to decide how many U.S. Dollars exist. We’re the only ones who can legally print it, and we’re the only ones that can legally destroy it.

American money is literally monopoly money in the sense that it’s just a piece of paper, but it has value because America has a monopoly on it.  You can’t do business in America without it.  The U.S. Dollar has value because we say it does, and if you don’t like it then you can go fuck yourself.

That sounds horrible to most people, but in reality it’s the truth about not just dollars, but most other things.  America isn’t the only one capable of doing this.  It’s the main reason why Europe formed the European Union in the first place. They wanted their money to have more clout.

Even private companies can do essentially the same thing. Take baseball cards for example.  They’re just special pieces of paper with famous people’s picture on them. Why are they valuable? Because people really want them for some reason. Usually some have more value because they have better players on them, but you can also alter their value by printing more or less of them.  Honus Wagner’s baseball card is worth millions. It’s not because he was the greatest player of all time it’s because there’s only like 10 of them in existence, and there’s no way to make more like it.  That’s it!  That’s really the only reason it’s worth anything at all.

I realize this may sound scary to some people, but it’s really not.  This actually works a lot better than you would imagine.  This is the main reason why we got off of the gold standard, and it’s one of the single biggest reasons we were able to get out of the great depression. To many people it may seem like just printing off money to pay for someone else’s hard labor is a dick thing to do, but the reality is that people are happy to take it from us because they have confidence they will be able to trade it in for something else. Something that they deam to be of more value later. So long as they’re willing to take it why wouldn’t we give it to them?  Should Nike stop selling Air Jordans even though millions of people are willing to pay them way more than they originally paid to make them?

The reality is that America is literally in the business of making money, and baby….business is good.