The Greatest Conspiracy of them All

Millions of people just living out their life, quietly, humbly, never standing up for themselves, never taking their fair share because eventually it’s all going to work out in the end. A perfect blissfully ignorant flock of sheep. Jesus even had the balls to call them that.

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Recently Glenn Beck conspiracy theorist extraordinaire and general degenerate fucktard has decided to start offering classes to recent high school graduates to teach them an alternate version of reality. One in which this country was not founded on enlightenment principles, but in which it was founded on fundamentalist christian principles.  One where the founding fathers already knew about the theory of evolution and rejected it out right. This despite the fact that Darwin didn’t even publish his theory on Evolution until over fifty years after any of the founding fathers were even still alive.

This is of course complete and total nonsense. But I feel bad for Glenn, so I thought I’d try and clue him in on another conspiracy theory that actually is true. In fact, it’s not just any conspiracy theory, it’s the single greatest conspiracy in the history of the human race.

When I was a kid my mom used to say to me: “Ian, go clean your room.” To which I would always reply, “In a bit mom, after I’m done doing…” whatever I was doing at the moment that was more fun.  You see I knew that my mom would eventually forget about it, and I would get away with not having to clean my room. But my mom also knew that I wasn’t going to go clean my room later, and she knew she was going to forget about it. So the next words out of her mouth were always the same…. “Ian, you know Santa’s watching you?”

Now a bit a of a spoiler alert here in case Glenn is actually reading this because I just realized I may be about to clue him in on the second greatest conspiracy theory of all time too. Glenn, just in case, you might want to sit down…..

Santa Claus doesn’t exist. Take a moment to process that Glenn, and then feel free to keep reading.

Ready?…. Okay, my mom told me a lie. She knew full well that Santa Claus didn’t exist, but she told me he did anyway.  She told me he existed because she was hoping that if she could convince me that there was a magical being watching over everything I did at all times, and who would punish me or reward me based upon how well I listened to her she could get me to be a good boy and do what she said even when she herself wasn’t watching me.

Kind of mean when you think about it, but also a pretty good way to keep control over someone when you know full well you can’t watch their every move. But to her lying was okay in certain situations when she thought it was in my own best interest. Now you could argue that cleaning my room was something she seemed to want more than I did so it wasn’t really in my own best interest, but that’s not really what she was protecting me from.

You see my mom knew of another magical being that was watching over everything I did at all times, and who would punish me or reward me based upon how well I listened to it. And one of the things that being said is that we’re supposed to honor our father and mother.  So if I didn’t listen to my mom there could be hell to pay…..literally.

The good news however is that my mom didn’t really have to worry, because just like the magical being that she knew didn’t exist the one she thought existed didn’t actually exist either. They were both lies even if she didn’t realize it.

Which brings us to the greatest conspiracy in all of human history that is actually completely 100% true. God doesn’t actually exist. He was invented by men in ancient times for the exact same reason Santa Claus was….Control.

You see back in ancient times they didn’t have CSI.  If you committed a crime you were almost certain to get away with it. In fact even in modern days only about 51% of all homicides in the United States of America get solved. So you can imagine how hard it was for the authorities to catch the bad guys way back in those days when they didn’t have security cameras, finger printing, and DNA testing.

Thankfully for them they woke up one day and realized maybe they didn’t have to. It was already common place for people to attribute strange phenomenon that they couldn’t explain to magical beings they called gods. Why not just manipulate the stories a little bit to convince younger generations that those gods gave us the rules, and there was no way to escape being seen by him from above?

The only difference between God and Santa is that nobody tells you God doesn’t exist when you get older, and they make it a lot more difficult to figure it out on your own. Why wouldn’t they? Adults behave badly too. If you can keep them under control with a simple lie why not keep it going? That way when their kids grow up and become adults they’ll be able to use it on their children too, and they’ll have much more plausible deniability.

Every major religion throughout history has some version of this same concept.  The Greeks had Zeus watching over them from upon high from Mount Olympus which worked great until somebody climbed up there and realized it was bullshit. Then things shifted toward the Argus the beast of a 1000 eyes that saw everything you did and read your sins back to you when you died. Buddhists and Hindus have the concept of Karma which magically balances things out so that if you live a humble and modest life you will be rewarded for it in the next.  Whereas if you do evil it will be come back around to you eventually.

What better way to keep people happy with less? What better way to keep the masses of poor people from rising up against the wealthy and upper class than to convince them that the meek shall inherit the earth?  Millions of people just living out their life, quietly, humbly, never standing up for themselves, never taking their fair share because eventually it’s all going to work out in the end.  A perfect blissfully ignorant flock of sheep. Jesus even had the balls to call them that.

So there you have it Glenn. If you want to wake up the world to reality and help them see the truth you can do it.  Open the worlds eyes to the greatest conspiracy in all of human existence. Then they can finally be as truly enlightened as our founding fathers were.

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